New Beginnings.

“Beginning anew and starting over is not the same thing.”

New beginnings are terrifying to me. 

Beginning anew and starting over is not the same thing, yet I’ve conflated the two for years. 

I’ve started over so many times thinking I was “turning over a new leaf.” The saying is a bit confusing, isn’t it? Is one grabbing a new leaf then turning it over, or turning over the same leaf and calling it new? 

In my case, it’s been the latter. 

I’ve repeated the same shit over and over again. In different places with different people, but the same actions and the same behaviours. Worse, I deemed it as growth.  

But growth is a tricky word too. When viewed through different lenses, its meaning – and worth – are different things. Is it seen as naturally cyclical, or inorganically linear? 

Again, for me it’s been the latter. 

Picture this: a colonized city on Turtle Island. 1997. A glossy brown overhead projector uses a bright halogen bulb to display a blown up line graph on a beige wall. The teacher pulls out a Staedltler marker and draws a thin red line along a transparent sheet of paper. On the diagonal. With a steady incline.

That’s what I’ve been deluding myself into thinking all these years: growth is a thin line, on the diagonal, with a steady incline. 

Why?

All around me, nature grows in cyclical movements. A seed falls from a tree before it dies. That seed grows roots down and around, as it sprouts up and out. It lives, it connects, it thrives. Then drops its seeds before it dies. 

Lather, rinse, repeat.

So why a static line and not a thriving tree? 

I, like many of you, have been saturated in capitalism. Indoctrinated with the belief that worth is measured through growth, and growth is measured through capital.

I couldn’t fathom how deeply burrowed that belief was in me. I had no idea that I was assessing my worth based on what I produced, how much I attained, the amount of attention it garnered. I have been measuring my growth based on an arbitrary red line that must be a steady incline. 

That is capitalism. This is one of the ways in which I’ve been contributing to and reinforcing it. 

I’ve been measuring my worth based on my proximity to someone else’s power. Not understanding that by doing so, I abandon my own. 

That is white supremacy. That is whiteness. That is patriarchy. This is one of the ways in which I’ve been contributing to and reinforcing them. 

I have been doing all of these actions, over and over again, in different places and with different people. What I thought was beginning anew was simply starting over.

I would see that something wasn’t right, or sense that something didn’t feel right. But instead of taking time to figure it out, I blamed everyone and everything. I blamed the place, the people, the things I was surrounded by. Then I abandoned them all. 

I would blow up my life, hurting myself and others in the process. Then I would collect the fragments, pick myself up, move my body somewhere else, surround myself with other people, pursue different interests, and call it a new beginning. 

But beginning anew and starting over is not the same thing. The former demands different beliefs, different values, different thoughts, and different actions. The latter requires none. 

I’m realizing my own contributions to harmful oppression, of myself and others. I’m understanding how I got here, and I’m working on forgiving myself for believing that’s what it took to survive. 

But what next? 

When harm is done, accountability is required. That’s a tricky word too, isn’t it? It’s not static. It’s not a state, or a statement. It’s not a single reflection, or a single action. It’s not a diagonal red line. 

It’s a verb. A constant and cyclical action.

It’s atonement. It’s reparations. It’s service. 

It’s both promise and follow through to do, and continue doing, something different. Something new. Acting on, and through, new beliefs, new values, new thoughts, new feelings. It’s about moving with, and through, vulnerability, fallibility, and uncertainty — at the very least.

All while knowing it’s always a risk and mistakes will be made. 

It’s a new beginning.  

So what’s next? 

Let’s find out together, shall we?